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…you’ve got to come to peace with the fact there are those who won’t understand, in order to find that there are those who do…

Sunday
Dec122010

I Have Decided

I have decided I am done

With trying to be your friend.

I am done feeling like you have something to offer.

Sitting on my heels, begging for the scraps of you attention,

Whilest you feast before me with mine enemies –

Pretending it’s okay.

 

I have decided I am done

With thinking there is more value to what you give to me

And less pain in what you take from me.

The scales were never weighted in my favor

but then I chose not to weigh them, didn’t I?

 

I have decided.

 

I have decided that I am done

Waiting for your approval.

I will never be satisfied with what you do not give.

 

I have decided to move out from beneath your judgement,

From your indifference, from your neglect, from your ‘innocent’ negation.

 

I have decided ‘nullify’ is not a nothing, it is a something

And in some cases it is everything.

 

I have decided that you make me weak.

Where I am strong you make me weak,

All my life you’ve made me weak,

Wondering why you did not love,

Well, now I wash my hands.

 

I have decided I am bigger than you.

I have seen you as a coward, not once or twice, but many times.

I’ve seen your indifference to loyalty.

 

I have decided the world is big.

That you are small.

And that, realizing that, I grow larger.

 

I have decided I will outgrow you, I have outgrown,

That you are just the serpentine skin, taut and dry and brittle, that I slipped out of and slid away from.

 

I have decided that I am a mountain.

I am a kingdom.

I am a legacy.

 

I have decided all of this and so much more.

 

I have decided big things and I am too afraid to fail them.

I have decided big things and I must now grow to fill them.

While you have decided small things and make those things your kingdom.

 

I have decided I am done trying to be your friend.

So let’s both call you what you are.

From now I’ll just call you: __________.

Sunday
Dec122010

A Gift Returned

I find myself now humbled

                                questioning everything

 

I find myself thrown into a vacillating warble of emotional content.

                                                                                                   connected disconnection

whereupon I love everything

                                whereupon I hate everything

 

all at once the world on whole swallows me                        or do I swallow it?

 

and I feel it glowing, shining inside my belly

 

Looking down I now possess a globe-like abdomen of irridecent expansion

                                                                                                                                                                beaming from within

                my skin now is a glowworm        

                               and holding all the beauty and tragedy of the world for me to keep

I am the Earth’s keeper.

 

                                Hold tightly in my belly

-          this aquatic sphere of light.

licensed to protect and serve

                                                licensed by my gift

                                                                                         yet –

                                                                                                    sudden stab of pain insists

                                a riot in my belly

 and the razor in my grasp

 

I take it to my heart and draw it

                                                            smooth beneath my chest

trace sternum down to pelvis

                                        incision slick and straight as any surgeon’s knife

 

drawing out with forcefulness

                                                the responsibility I’ve taken

                                denying

                                                denouncing

what has been placed within me

                                   bleeding now onto the floor

                                                            the gift that I’ve been given

 

lying empty in this stolid room

                                                                                  a fraction of myself

Sunday
Dec122010

Beatnik Femme Fatale

my words hit you between the eyes

I execute you with my truth       

                                with your truth

                with the truth you’ve been a fugitive from for way too long

the way I was a fugitive from for way too long

                bold as a midnight moon

                                vibrant as a blood-soaked crime scene

I’ve read you backward and forward,

                                yet you’re standing still

                                                            I know better where you’ve been and where you’re going than you do

                I know the deviations you’re too afraid to make

                                the ones that’d save your life

                                       my prayers are with you that you’ll make, shake, take the shift

                and find yourself a life that makes you happy

                                                                                                truly happy

                                                                                     a life that satisfies you deep within

                                                I’m speaking to myself again

I’m speaking to the world

                I have about as much faith in the world as I have in myself

                                I scare the shit out of me at times

I execute myself in silence

                                I give myself a voice

                I wonder when I’ll be truly happy

                                Is it human nature to be never satisfied with where we are?

Or is it just me?

                I wanna tell you I’m just like you

                                truth is, I don’t know

                                                are you as impatient as I am?                    

                are you as disgruntled, dissatisfied as I?

                                                are you smiling through your frustration?

                                                     Gritting your teeth between enjoying the moment and settling

                                unsure at times of how to tell the difference

                                                                is it worse to pipe dream or to stop dreaming?

                to try and never make it or to never try to make it?

suddenly life is a compromise

                                                                suddenly life is for someone else

                                show me a time when it wasn’t

                                                I want to believe i’m just like you

                                I want to believe I’m normal

                                                                Or rather that we are all of us crazy

                Crazy inside in a normal world outside

                                the silent assassin, this invisible killer,

seeped within our veins.             

                                All of us crazy

Everyone screaming like internal bleeding

From some long gone accident we keep forgetting

                                working its way inside of us

                                                permeating our innards while we look, we feel so normal

                turn around and we end up dead

                                didn’t even see it coming

                                                the antidote:

                                                                LIVE FOR YOU

                Live

                For

                You

                                for what makes you happy

                                                                what brings the fire

                                                what brings the passion

                                                                in whatever way you can

                this is the only way to Live

                                the rest is just a living

                                                the rest is just survival

                                                                eventually it’s death

                I, for one, choose Life

Sunday
Dec122010

Rain

 

Fevery freedom in the hot fog
                                                    of thundery midnight rainstorm,
           that peeled me open
                                            in the crazy dance
                                                                         of warm 
                                                                                     and wet
                                                                                                   rebirth.

Hot liquid laughed a spiraled path
                                                 down my fingertips
                                                                   and kissed the very skin
                                        this Life has worn.

               The clash and flash of Zeusian power
                                               above
                                                            ignites the Sky.
               The Light and Dark battle before me.
                                                                     I know they spar in play.
              The Lion and the Lioness,
                                                aggressive in their lovemaking.
   The Earth and Sky are lovers.
                                              The Earth and Sky are one.

                         The smell of fear and of adventure.
                         
                                                            The Earth, itself, is laughing,
                                maniacal and violent.
                The Floodlands,
                                                    Heavens,
                             torn broad open,
                                                         screaming,
                                                                         screaming down.
            Down in torrential love and madness.
                                                                     Down unto the Earth.

                                                                                I run muddy through the grass,
                     water-sponged and thirsty-quenched.
                                                 I, the Watcher, the Accomplice.
                                                          I open up to both.
                 The bold. 
                               The cold.
                                               The understood.
                                                                                The mystery cast open.
         And I, the Dancer.
                                     I, the Crazy.
                                                         I, living, breathing Goddess.
     Dancing feral in the rain,
                                             laughing wild into the rain,
                                                                                         living madness in the rain.
                                              The warm and bloody rain.
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